Stop Being Passive: Make Friends at Expat Events

You’re at an expat event, a meetup, or a new social gathering in a European city. You want to connect, but find yourself gravitating to the wall, phone in hand, waiting for someone else to break the ice. This passive stance, while common, is actively holding you back from building the rich social life you desire in your new home. It’s time to stop being passive social events and take control of your social destiny.

Why Passivity Holds You Back in a New City

A recent survey by InterNations revealed that 73% of expats report feeling isolated or having difficulty making friends in their new country. This isn't just a fleeting emotion; it's a persistent challenge, often exacerbated by a passive approach to socialising. You might tell yourself, "Someone will approach me," or "I don't want to interrupt," but these thoughts are silent saboteurs.

Standing in a corner, even if you’re subtly scanning the room, sends a clear signal: "I'm not available for interaction." This isn't a judgment; it's a natural human interpretation of body language. People are less likely to approach someone who appears closed off, even if that's not your intention. In cities like Berlin or Paris, where initial interactions can sometimes feel reserved, this passive stance becomes an even greater barrier.

The real situation often involves a loop: you feel shy, so you're passive; because you're passive, you don't make connections; because you don't make connections, you feel more isolated and shy. Breaking this cycle requires a conscious shift from a reactive mindset to a proactive one. It means understanding that while cultural nuances exist, genuine connection often starts with a single, deliberate step forward.

"The biggest barrier to connection isn't a lack of interest from others, but our own perceived lack of permission to initiate."

This isn't about becoming an extrovert overnight. It’s about recognising that opportunities for friendship in a new city are often fleeting and require you to meet them halfway. Every person you see at a meetup, an expat social event, or even a local language exchange, is there for a reason – often, the same reason you are: to connect. Don't let the fear of a momentary awkwardness overshadow the potential for a lasting friendship.

Passivity is a choice that actively hinders your integration and social growth in a new environment.

Pre-Event Prep: Boosting Your Confidence

According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, anticipating a social event can often lead to more anxiety than the event itself. This pre-event dread is a common hurdle, especially when you're trying to overcome shyness new city. However, a little preparation can significantly reduce this anxiety and empower you to engage more effectively.

Mindset Shift: From Dread to Opportunity

Before you even leave your apartment in Rome or Amsterdam, challenge your internal narrative. Instead of focusing on potential negatives ("What if I have nothing to say?"), reframe it as an opportunity ("What interesting person might I meet tonight?"). Remind yourself that everyone at these events, particularly expat meetups, is likely in a similar boat, looking to connect. This shared vulnerability can be a powerful source of empathy and motivation.

Practical Preparation for Engaging

• Research the Event: What's the theme? Who's hosting? Knowing a little about the event itself can give you instant conversation fodder. For example, if it's a language exchange, you know people are interested in languages. If it's a specific hobby group, you have a shared passion.
• Dress Comfortably and Confidently: Choose an outfit that makes you feel good and is appropriate for the setting. When you feel good about how you look, it naturally boosts your self-assurance. Avoid anything too restrictive or that you'll constantly be adjusting.
• Have a Few Conversation Starters Ready: This isn't about memorising scripts, but having a few open-ended questions in your back pocket. Think beyond "What do you do?" Consider questions like: "What brought you to [city name]?" "What's been your favourite discovery here so far?" or "Have you been to an event like this before?"
• Practice Small Interactions: Before the main event, warm up. Order your coffee in the local language, ask a shop assistant for directions, or make small talk with a neighbour. These micro-interactions build momentum and remind you that conversing with strangers is not only possible but often pleasant.

Your Pre-Event Confidence Checklist:

✅ Mentally rehearse positive interactions. ✅ Choose an outfit that makes you feel comfortable and self-assured. ✅ Prepare 2-3 open-ended questions related to the event or city. ✅ Arrive on time, or slightly early, to avoid feeling rushed. ✅ Set a small, achievable goal for the event (e.g., "I will introduce myself to two new people").

Preparation builds confidence, transforming pre-event dread into anticipation for genuine connections.

Actionable Strategies for Engaging at Events

A study from Harvard Business Review suggests that people often overestimate the risk of initiating social contact and underestimate the positive impact it has on both parties. This means the person you're hesitating to approach is likely just as open, if not eager, for a connection. When you decide to make friends at meetups, your actions speak louder than any internal monologue.

The Power of Body Language

Your non-verbal cues are your first introduction. Before you even say a word, your body language signals your openness to interaction.

• Open Posture: Avoid crossed arms or clutching a drink in front of your chest. Keep your hands free and your posture relaxed.
• Smiling: A genuine smile is universally inviting. It signals warmth and approachability. Don't force it, but let a natural, friendly expression be your default.
• Eye Contact: Make brief, friendly eye contact with people across the room. If they return it with a smile, that's often an invitation to approach. Avoid staring, which can be perceived as aggressive.

Strategic Positioning

Where you stand or sit at an event can significantly impact your opportunities for interaction.

• Near High-Traffic Areas: Position yourself near the bar, the food table, or the entrance/exit. These are natural places where people pause, wait, and are more open to brief interactions.
• Avoid the Walls: Resist the urge to retreat to the perimeter of the room. This makes you less visible and harder to approach. Instead, try to be part of the flow of the room, even if you're standing alone initially.
• Look for Open Groups: If you see small groups of 2-3 people with open body language (e.g., facing outwards, not in a tight huddle), they are usually receptive to new people joining their conversation.

Starting Small: The Entry Points

You don't need a grand gesture to start a conversation. Small, simple actions are often the most effective.

• Compliment: "That's a really interesting pin you have." or "I love your jacket." Keep it genuine and non-personal.
• Ask a Question Related to the Event: "Is this your first time at this meetup?" or "Have you tried the [food/drink item] yet? It looks good."
• Comment on the Environment: "This is a great venue, isn't it?" or "It's quite busy tonight!" These are low-stakes ways to break the silence.

"A genuine smile is the shortest distance between two people, regardless of language or culture."

Remember, the goal isn't to become best friends instantly, but to initiate a brief, pleasant interaction. Even a short exchange can build confidence and potentially lead to more. Don't dwell on perfection; focus on participation. Every small interaction is a step towards feeling more comfortable and connected.

Active engagement starts with subtle cues and strategic positioning, opening the door for genuine connection.

Mastering the Art of Introduction & Conversation

Research from the University of Chicago indicates that people consistently underestimate how much others like them, a phenomenon called the "liking gap," which often contributes to the fear of introducing oneself expat. This means the person you're nervous about approaching is likely more receptive than you imagine. Learning how to introduce yourself and sustain a conversation is a skill, not an innate talent.

How to Introduce Yourself Expat: Simple & Effective

1. Approach with Confidence (or feigned confidence!): Walk up to an individual or an open group. Make eye contact and smile.
2. State Your Name: "Hi, I'm [Your Name]." Keep it clear and concise.
3. Offer a Brief Context (Optional but helpful): "I'm [Your Name], I'm new to [City Name]," or "I'm [Your Name], I just moved here from [Country]."
4. Ask Their Name and a Simple Question: "What's your name?" or "What brings you to this event?" or "Are you enjoying the evening?" This immediately shifts the focus and invites them to speak.
   • Example: "Hi, I'm Sarah. I just moved to Lisbon a few weeks ago. What's your name?"

Effective Conversation Starters & Sustainers

Once the introduction is made, the conversation needs fuel. Avoid questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no."

• Open-Ended Questions: These encourage elaboration.
  • "What do you like most about living in [City Name]?"
  • "What's a hidden gem you've discovered here?"
  • "What hobbies or interests keep you busy outside of work?"
  • "Any exciting plans for the weekend?"
• Current Events (Local/Relevant): "Did you hear about the new exhibition at the [Museum Name]?" or "Have you tried that new restaurant that just opened on [Street Name]?"
• Shared Experiences: "How long have you been coming to these meetups?" or "What made you decide to come tonight?"

The Art of Active Listening

Conversation is a two-way street. Being a good listener is just as crucial as being a good talker.

• Show Genuine Interest: Maintain eye contact, nod occasionally, and offer verbal affirmations ("Ah, I see," "That's interesting").
• Ask Follow-Up Questions: Based on what they've said, ask for more details. "You mentioned you're a keen hiker; what's your favourite trail around here?" This shows you were paying attention.
• Remember Details: Try to remember their name and one or two key facts they shared. This will be invaluable if you encounter them again.

"To be interesting, be interested."

Platforms like Joiner, or even local Facebook groups focusing on expat communities or specific hobbies, can provide excellent opportunities to practice these skills in a more structured environment, helping you find people with shared interests and overcome shyness.

Avoiding Common Conversation Pitfalls

• Dominating the Conversation: Ensure you're not doing all the talking. Allow pauses for others to contribute.
• Asking Too Many Personal Questions Too Soon: Keep initial conversations light. Avoid delving into sensitive topics like politics, religion, or personal finances until a deeper rapport is established.
• Complaining Excessively: While it's okay to share minor frustrations, a constant stream of negativity can be a turn-off. Focus on positive experiences and solutions.
• Checking Your Phone Constantly: This signals disinterest and disrespect. Keep your phone away unless absolutely necessary.

Effective introductions and engaging conversations are learnable skills that unlock deeper connections.

Turning Connections into Real Friendships

Meeting someone new at an expat event is a great first step, but it's just that – a first step. The true challenge, and reward, lies in nurturing those initial connections into genuine, lasting friendships. This requires consistent effort and a willingness to be proactive beyond the initial "hello."

The Crucial Follow-Up

The window for follow-up is often shorter than you think. Don't let a great conversation fade into memory.

• Exchange Contact Information: If the conversation went well, suggest exchanging numbers or social media. "It was great talking to you, I'd love to stay in touch. Are you on Instagram?" or "Let's exchange numbers."
• Send a Prompt Message: Within 24-48 hours, send a brief message referencing your conversation. "Hey [Name], it was lovely meeting you last night at the [Event Name]! I really enjoyed hearing about your adventures in [City/Country they mentioned]."

Suggesting a Next Activity

This is where many potential friendships falter. Waiting for the other person to suggest something can lead to a stalemate. Be the initiator.

• Specific, Low-Pressure Suggestions: Instead of a vague "We should hang out sometime," suggest a concrete, low-stakes activity.
  • "I'm planning to check out the [new cafe/museum exhibition] next Saturday, would you be interested in joining?"
  • "I know you mentioned enjoying [hobby], there's a [relevant event/group] happening next week. Want to go together?"
  • "Fancy grabbing a coffee sometime next week?"
• Be Flexible: Understand that schedules can be tight. If your initial suggestion doesn't work, offer alternatives or ask about their availability.

Consistency and Vulnerability

Friendships are built on shared experiences and mutual trust, which develop over time.

• Show Up and Be Reliable: If you make plans, stick to them. Being dependable builds trust.
• Initiate Multiple Times: Don't be discouraged if your first attempt to meet up doesn't work out. Try again a week or two later with a different suggestion.
• Share More About Yourself: As you spend more time together, gradually open up and share more personal stories, thoughts, and feelings. This vulnerability is key to deepening a connection.
• Be Patient: Friendships, especially in a new city, take time to blossom. It's rare to find an instant best friend. Nurture several connections simultaneously.

Expat Social Tips for Deeper Connections:

• Join Clubs or Groups: Whether it's a book club, a hiking group, a language exchange, or a sports team, shared activities naturally foster deeper bonds. Look for groups related to your interests in places like Barcelona, Dublin, or Prague.
• Volunteer: Contributing to a local cause is a fantastic way to meet like-minded people who share your values, while also integrating into the local community.
• Explore Together: Suggest exploring a new neighbourhood, trying a new restaurant, or attending a local festival. Shared discovery creates memorable experiences.
• Host Small Gatherings: Once you've made a few connections, consider hosting a small potluck or game night. It’s a great way to bring people together in a relaxed setting.

Your Friendship Nurturing Checklist:

✅ Send a timely follow-up message after meeting. ✅ Proactively suggest specific, low-pressure activities. ✅ Be reliable and show up for plans. ✅ Gradually share more about yourself as trust builds. ✅ Be patient and understand that friendships evolve over time.

Friendship blossoms from consistent effort, shared experiences, and a willingness to extend beyond the initial meeting.

The journey from passive observer to active participant in your social life in a new city is empowering. It requires a shift in mindset, a bit of preparation, and a willingness to take small, consistent steps. Remember, every expat event, every meetup, every new setting is an opportunity to forge meaningful connections. By embracing these strategies, you're not just making friends; you're building a supportive community that will enrich your entire expat experience. If you're looking for an easy way to find these activities and connect with like-minded people, consider downloading Joiner.